reinventing rogue realities since 1994.

This is the first night in a while that I don’t actually have any work lined up. The few readings and preparations for tests, I’ve abandoned in favor of resting the night away. So far it’s therapeutic. 

Tumblr is hard to miss when there’s so much stuff being thrown at me. Just a couple more weeks before finals. Tiisin pa. Kaya ko ‘to. Keri lang. 

I feel so empowered. Maybe I’ll watch a movie until I pass out from the chill-ness of tonight.

It’s been a pretty crazy couple of weeks. I’m up again, and down again, and all the way around again. I’m just trying to get by, but there’s always something in the way. 

If the rain continues, the canal behind our subdivision could overflow and soak some of the houses. All over the map, low-lying areas are being filled with rain, and I feel helpless to help the helpless. 

Had a little scare a while ago—I was worrying over the safety of my brother. Hours and hours later, our mutual friend informs me that he’s okay. Based on that and the fact that no one was picking up, I reckon he with his family is at his grandmother’s modular-apartment-on-top-of-a-school-thing. I’m really glad he’s safe. 

On another note, despite having classes cancelled, I still have work to do. I’m hoping that motivation comes my way soon enough. This is not as completely foreign to me as I once thought; it just takes some getting used to. 

There will never be a more appropriate word for this than dazed—at least, not until I think of a more appropriate one. Everything is confusing and wonderfully scary that I just have to try to keep up. 

But I still need my breaks—those little moments of respite when I get my bearings back. I need time for myself, but I haven’t had much for the past few months. They say this is how it usually goes, but still—what ever happened to chilling for a bit? 

* 

I need to finish these reports. I’ll start later.

The interview a while ago was nice, but I couldn’t stop being so tense because these processes are so completely new to me. The screening process is intense, and I really hope to make it in. 

As for tomorrow, there’s another interview—this time for my home org, which is to say it’s a good time to ask questions. Maybe I should note them down later. Something is supposed to happen after class tomorrow, too—I just can’t put my finger on what it is, precisely. 

This week is keeping me so on-edge, I’m not even sure how long it takes me to sleep anymore. Just… there are so many things still happening. Is there a slow-down button somewhere?

There is something I have to get off my chest; I was not prepared for this at all. Nothing ever did, nothing ever will I reckon. I guess I’ll just have to go with it until something amazing happens. 

There’s something terrifying about being given free reign—the lack of guidance is a huge risk in and of itself already. What’s worse is that I can’t decide to go with something obscure or something overused. Such is the problem with literature; the good ones are often extremes. 

I am working on my application; I don’t know what to do. Our professors keep on smiling at us; I don’t know what to do. I have to organize things; I don’t know what to do. 

It’s odd, fascinating, and mortifying that the professors who give us the hardest tests keep smiling in between lessons, making it seem easier to absorb than it all actually is. And our English professor basically threatens and insults us in this coy-smile snarky way that we just take in stride because we’re all masochists like that. 

I don’t know what I’m saying; I have to get back to whatever.

University life is weird. I have to get that out. 

The first lesson I’ve learned is that I don’t know much, if at all. Because for real, we just jumped right into everything, and I’m trying to figure out how high school barely even prepared us for this. The science high schoolers are doing fine, though—it’s just wonderfully ironic that a private education isn’t actually an advantage anymore. 

I don’t know what’s happening anymore, but hopefully all the chaos recedes soon; I need my routine back. The only routine I have right now is constantly asking, “What am I doing here?” 

I have been getting increasingly impatient with myself, and my thoughts are getting so muddled and convoluted that I could snap at any moment. 

O Universe, grant me the grace to deal with myself better. 

24 May 2012 

I found a way, albeit at the eleventh hour, but still. 

I can make myself feel better. 

Funny things have been going on lately, including but not limited to my laptop going wonky, my room getting a little more organized, and just generally life. 

It’s nice having something to come back to, or just having to come back. It’s like one of those comforts to look forward to. 

But now I must rest in order to prepare for some supposedly life-altering errands tomorrow.

These days I wake up with a headache, and my thoughts won’t stop pestering me. I’m trying to get them all out before I feel like I would explode, but I’m not fast enough; there are too many of them. 

I am frustrated because there’s so much going on, and I feel like my mind has been weighing me down, and then my thoughts inevitably lead to thinking about how bloody pathetic I am. 

There’s too much going on, and I feel like I’m not doing anything. All my compulsions are delayed, and my actions are stalled. I feel like a bloody turnip, and thinking about food just makes me feel all spongy inside. 

This is unpleasant, but I guess I’ll figure out a way to cope.

The next week will be full of stuff to do. 

Today I finalized my registration to a symposium^[1], and I am pretty excited and nervous about going. It’s not that I’m unsure about going alone—I’m fine as long as I have my tech.—although that could be a contributing factor. 

Maybe I’m nervous because it’s something I’m not too exposed to. I’m used to figuring things out on my own and all, and I think this should provide me with some more experience in the field of… research? Something. 

I am so goddamn eloquent. 

The largest factor would probably be my enochlophobia^{*large crowds}. If the gathering is too large, I think I’d have a panic attack and not know what to do. Which is actually fine, because I’m assuming there are friendly people in the world. 

I’m very intimidated just by the mere thought of being surrounded by people who are better than me, but then, I’m willing to keep in a constant state of shame for the sake of discovery, fine. It’s an opportunity to get out there, or something to that effect. 

But first things first, we are going to the US embassy tomorrow for ten-printing. Visa renewal is such a hassle, especially given everything that’s happening this season, but fine. It is a necessary hassle. 

Besides, I’m actually considering visiting relatives abroad sometime within the next couple of years. Family ties are growing increasingly important these days, and I want to make sure things are fine. 

Saturday. I just want to go out. I haven’t actually seen The Avengers yet, so that’s still on my plate. It feels like I’m missing out, but I don’t actually mind as long as I get to see it. 

And then there’s the bonding time with our uncle the next couple of weeks. All right. 

Stupid random useless rambling aside, I am looking forward to a productive month. There are just a couple of things I hope would work out. Like certain… personal holidays… that we haven’t adequately prepared for. 

Overshare.

When people impose their own organizational schema on me, I get very flustered. So when coming up with a checklist, I became suddenly confused, because it was not according to my own structure. 

My brain now sufficiently frazzled, and my thoughts now perfectly strayed—frayed!—I must get back to my own plan. Can’t people compromise for me for a while? I mean, I’m finally getting my shit together, and I’m not even allowed that chance. 

If things affecting me and being affected by me get screwed up, it has to be me screwing up, not anyone else. Responsibility—that’s all I ask for. 

I will be soon asleep.

My mood swings are still a nuisance, and I’m trying to tone it all down. My irritability is persistent as ever, but it must compete with my long history of patience. My boredom and lack of motivation are at odds with my constant surprise, but I’m hoping that determination kicks lazy ass. 

I need to make something amazing happen.